I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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