shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Randomize
