someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
two words: eviction party
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
