the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
we're making bets on your personal life
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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