I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
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MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
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