Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
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Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
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My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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