I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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