shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
