I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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