You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
