Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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