she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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