Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
