I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
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Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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