Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
