Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
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Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
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Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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