I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
