i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.