woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
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if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
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Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago