Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night