I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
