I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
