i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
