you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
