I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
