She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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