Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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