Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
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Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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