thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
