Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
