I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The air was thick with penises
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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