i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
