Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
