I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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