Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
