Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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