Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
