For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
