I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
