Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
