So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
