Whatcha textin bout Willis?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
