I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
