in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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