did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
