Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
