Already got asked if we're dating
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
