ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
