Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
