Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
