and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
