my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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