It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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