you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
