another moral hangover. fuck.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
