you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
