i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
